Comically crap Christmas cracker jokes!

It happens every year for families around the world. There you are on Christmas Day, sat around the table stuffing yourself with far too much delicious food and drinking far too much alcohol, when all of a sudden: BANG! Grandma and Grandad pull the first Christmas cracker of the year opening the floodgates to a torrent of terrible (but inexplicably funny) jokes. And here are some of the worst (or best, depending on how you look at it!):

Why did the lobster blush? Because the seaweed!

What’s furry and minty? A polo bear!

What do you get when you cross a lion with a snowman? Frostbite!

What’s brown and sticky? A stick!        

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam!

What do you call a blind reindeer? No eye deer!

What do you call a dead one-eyed reindeer? Still no eye deer!

What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH!

What do Santa’s elves use when they’re sick? The National ‘Elf Service!

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing. It just let out a little wine!

What sort of pizza does King Wenceslas like? Deep pan, crisp and even!

What do you call a short sighted dinosaur? A do-you-think-he-saw-us!

What do you call a short sighted dinosaur’s dog? A do-you-think-he-saw-us Rex!

Why did the woman have her hair in a bun? Because she had her face in a burger!

On which side do chickens have the most feathers? The outside!

What do you call a man with a mince pie in one ear and a carrot in the other? Anything you want – he won’t hear you!

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette!

How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle!

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? Lost!

And to round the post off, here is the worst (but most hilarious) crap Christmas cracker joke I’ve ever heard…

What’s ET short for? Because he’s only got little legs.


Feel free to submit your favourite festive jokes in the comments section below!

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